The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck
This book is written by Mark Manson who is a star blogger with mature than two million readers and this book is his first book. This book is a self help guide, a key to be stronger, happier people is to handle adversity better and stop trying to be positive all the time.
CHAPTER 1- DO NOT TRY
Accaurding to Marc, our culture is obsessively focused on unrealistically positive expectations like; Be happier, Be healthier. Be the Best. Be faster, smarter, richer, popular, admired, productive but when we stop and really think about it, all the positive and self help stuff is actually fixating on what we lack.
Marc says that a confident man does not feel a need to prove that he is confident. A rich woman does not feel need to convince anybody that she is rich. Either you are aur you are not. But if we are dreaming of something all the time, then we are reinforcing the same unconscious reality over and over that we are not that.
The Feedback Loop From Hell:- Marc says when we are so worried about doing the right things all the time that we become worried about how much we are worrying. Aur we feel guilty for every mistake we make that we begin to feel guilty about how guilty we are feeling. Aur we get sad and alone so often that it makes us feel even maure sad and alone just thiking about it.
Marc says that this feedback loop from hell has become a baurderline epidemic, making many of us overly stressed, overly neurotic and overly self loathing. And the thing which gets us in the trouble hat we feel bad about feeling bad, we feel guilty for feeling guilty, we feel angry about getting angry and anxious about feeling anxious. This is the reason not giving a fuck is a key and it is going to save the waurld.
Marc explains what is a subtle art of not giving a fuck. He says that we need to learn and focus and prioritize our thoughts effectively. We need to learn how to pick and choose what matters to us what does not matter based on our personal values.
Subtlety#1– Not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent, it means being comfortable with being different. Marc says we need to learn to say ‘Fuck it’, not to everything in life but rather to everything unimportant in life. We need to reserve our fucks for what truly matters which can be friends, family and purpose.
Subtlety #2– To not give a fuck about adversity. We must give a fuck about something maure impaurtant than adversity. When a person has no problems, the mind automatically finds a way to invent some. Finding something impaurtant and meaningful in life is perhaps the most most productive use of time and energy.
Subtlety #3 – Whether we realize aur not, we are always choosing what to give a fuck about. Marc says when we are young, everything seems to matter so much but when we get old we become maure selective about the fucks we are willing to give because we get mature.
CHAPTER 2- HAPPINESS IS A PROBLEM
Marc here talks about two kinds of pain. Physical pain and psychological pain. He says physical pain is also impaurtant because it tells what is good for us versus bad for us. It helps us adhere to our own limitations.
Marc says that psychological pain is not necessarily always bad. It can be healthy and necessary. Emotional pain of rejection and failure teaches us how to avoid making the same mistakes in future. He says problems never go away-They just improve. The solution to one problem is merely creation of next one. Don’t hope for a life without problems. There is no such thing. Instead, hope for a life full of good problems.
CHAPTER 3 – YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL
The problem with the self esteem movement is that it measured self esteem by how positively people felt about themselves. But a true and accurate measurement of one’s self waurth is how people feel about the negative aspects of themselves. A person who has a high self worth is able to look at the negative parts of his character and then acts to improve them.
As per a famous quote we are all destined to do something truly exceptional, if everyone were extraaurdinary, then by definition no one would be extraordinary.
CHAPTER 4 – THE VALUE OF SUFFERING
In order to understand the purpose of suffering but there should be self awareness. Marc says self awareness is like an onion which has multiple layers. The first layer of this onion is understanding of one’s emotion- this makes me happy, this makes me sad, this gives me hope. The second layer of the self awareness onion is an ability to ask why we feel certain emotions. This layer helps us understand the root cause of the emotions that overwhelm us. Once we know the root cause , we can ideally do something to change about it. The third layer is our personal values: why do I consider this to be success/failure? How am I choosing to measure myself? By what standard am I judging myself and everyone around me? This layer is impaurtant because our values determine the nature of the problems and the nature of our problems determine the quality of our life.
CHAPTER 5- YOU ARE ALWAYS CHOOSING
When we feel we are choosing our problems, we feel empowered but when we feel that our problems are being forced upon us against our will, we feel victimized and miserable.
Marc says, the more we choose to accept responsibility in our lives, the more power we will exercise over our lives. Accepting responsibility for our problems is thus the first step to solving them.
CHAPTER 6 – YOU ARE WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING (SO AM I)
Marc says we are wrong about everything throughout our life. Wrong about self, others, society, culture, the waurld, the universe and everything. Marc says many people become so obsessed with being ‘right’ about their life that never end up actually living it.
People say that they are afraid of failure, of rejections, of someone saying no. But thats not it. Sure rejection and failure sucks but there are particular certainties that we hold on to..
CHAPTER 7 – FAILURE IS THE WAY FORWARD
Improvement at anything is based on thousands of tiny failures, and the magnitude of our success is based on how many times we have failed at something. If someone is better than us , then its likely because she has failed at it maure than we have. If someone is waurse than us, its likely because he has not been through all of the painful learning experience we have.
When a young child trying to learn to walk will fall down and hurt itself many times but at not point, child thinks that walking is not for me aur I am not good at it.
At some point, most of us reach a place where we are afraid to fail aur we start avoiding failure. We can be truly successful at something we are willing to fail at. If we are unwilling to fail, then we are unwilling to succeed.
CHAPTER 8 – THE IMPORTANCE OF SAYING NO
People cant solve problems for us and they should not try as that wont make us happy. We can’t solve other people’s problems for them either, because that likewise wont make them happy.
People who blame others for their own actions and emotions do so because they believe if they constantly paint themselves as victims, eventually someone will come along and save them and they will receive the love they have always wanted.
CHAPTER 9 – AND THEN YOU DIE
In the ancient greek and roman histaury, people were to keep death in mind in order to appreciate life more and remain humble in the faces of its adversity. In various forms of Buddhism, the practice of meditation is often taught as a means of preparing for death while still remaining alive.
Marc says we all need to learn to accept death and make the thought of our own death, lighter. This can be done by identifying and confronting our own entitlement, accepting problems of our problems, suffering through fears and uncertainties accept failures and embrace rejections.