Carnegie was a traveling salesman and had a brief stint in acting. Students wanted to pay him to teach them public speaking; this was when he realized this skill was valuable and part of his sales success. So he founded his own Dale Carnegie institute. How to win friends and influence people was one of the first best-selling self-help books ever published.
Written by Dale Carnegie and first published in 1936, it has sold 15 million copies worldwide. Everyone, and I mean everyone, can learn something from how to win friends & influence people. The principles in the book are simple but something many of us needs help to use or remember .
This summary will discuss Carnegie’s four key concepts; each of these has several vital principles we will summarize :
- Fundamental techniques in handling people.
- Ways to make people like you.
- How to win people to your way of thinking.
- How to change people without giving or arousing resentment.
Chapter 1. Fundamental techniques for handling people
Carnegie’s first concept is about handling people and what techniques to use. There are three fundamental principles that you need to follow when handling people, whether they are acquaintances, colleagues, employees, or employers .
– Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Try to be understanding.
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
Carnegie’s first principle encourages getting to know people and understanding what makes them tick. The key is finding out what motivates their behavior, personality, and actions. Instead of instantly criticizing, condemning, or complaining about someone, gain empathy and understanding. Show some kindness is always beneficial for both parties. Be tolerant and sympathetic when required .
“To know all is to forgive all.”
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
The second principle gives honest and sincere appreciation is essential. We’re all human, and we all enjoy feeling appreciated. When you show someone appreciation and are honest, people will recognize your sincerity; they’ll be able to tell if you’re saying what you think they want to hear. People will never forget the genuine appreciation expressed through kind words; it lifts them up and makes them feel good about themselves .
3. Make them want it too
Carnegie explains that the only way you’re ever going to convince anyone to do something you want them to do is to make them want to do it. We are stubborn; we have to feel motivated to do things instead of boasting about ideas we’ve had and something we need to be done. Please sit back, let others think they came up with the idea themselves, and let them feel responsible for it and own it. This will create a drive within them to want to succeed, and you will reap the benefits .
“First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way .”
Chapter 2. Ways to make people like you
We all crave acceptance from others; Carnegie’s second concept outlines six principles to help you get others to like you.
- Be genuinely interested in other people.
- Name is essential.
- Be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves.
- Know their Interests.
- Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.
- It’s not all about you.
1. Be genuinely interested in other people.
Carnegie reminds us that to make genuine friendships, you have to be there to help others, not just to get the help you need. If you can show a genuine interest in other people, you’ll be well on getting people to like you .
It’s not all about you – To future a relationship, you must go above and beyond for other people. It would be best if you showed them that they are worth your time and energy and that you can be thoughtful, sympathetic, and selfless .
An example that Carnegie uses to exemplify this is that when the then prince of Wales was due for a tour around South America, he spent months learning Spanish. He did this to make appearances and speak in the native language so that everyone would have the opportunity to understand what he was saying, not just those able to speak English. This shows that he went above and beyond for the natives; he spent time and energy learning a language so that everyone could be included .
“Your smile is a messenger of your goodwill. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it.”
Practice your smile – It’s hard to explain how impactful a smile can be. Carnegie explains that you have no idea how someone’s day might be going, the personal pressure they are under. But a simple smile from someone they know or a stranger can help lift their mood and motivate them to smile.
Smiling makes you seem relatable and approachable. But, on the other hand, don’t walk around with a constant frown, or you’ll put people off.
3. Name is essential
“Remember that a person’s name is the most important sound in any language to that person .”
Your name is rightfully yours; it’s part of your identity and sets you apart. So take note when people tell you their names and repeat them back to them. We love to hear our names; it makes us feel unique and essential. Carnegie encourages you to use this tactic with everyone, whether the coffee barista at your local café or the senior executive at your firm .
4. Be a Good listener
It’s not enough to sit silently while someone talks; you must actively listen and be genuinely interested. An excellent way to express your attentiveness is to ask questions about the other person’s topic and encourage them to delve deeper into the conversation. We love to talk about ourselves, so people often don’t need much prompting; give them the opportunity and listen.
Listen -” Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than in you and your issues.”
5. Know Their Interests
Carnegie explains that you both reap the benefits when discussing someone else’s interests. You receive a new reward from each person when you speak to someone.
6. Make the other person feel important
Making the other person feel important is vital because it can help build stronger relationships, increase trust and respect, and improve overall communication. When you make someone feel important, they are more likely to feel valued and appreciated, leading to more positive interactions and deeper connections.
To do this sincerely, you can try the following:
Please give them your full attention: When speaking with someone, be present and give them your undivided attention. Put down your phone or other distractions and listen actively.
Show appreciation: Express your gratitude for the things they do or the qualities they possess that you admire. Make sure to be specific and sincere in your praise.
Use their name: People love to hear their name, so try to use it whenever appropriate. It shows that you are paying attention and that they are important enough to remember.
Ask for their opinion: Everyone wants to feel like their thoughts and ideas matter. Ask for their opinion on a topic or for advice on a problem you’re facing.
Remember essential details: Make an effort to remember important details about the other person, such as their birthday or favourite book. This shows that you care about them as an individual.
Making someone feel important involves listening, showing appreciation, and valuing their thoughts and opinions. Doing so can create stronger relationships and more meaningful connections with others.
Chapter 3. How to win people into your way of thinking
This section of Carnegie’s book has 12 principles, all focused on encouraging others to your way of thinking. Here’s how Carnegie recommends you do that:
How do you win people into your way of thinking
- Avoiding an argument is the only way to get the best out.
- Show respect for the other person’s opinions.
- If you are wrong, admit it.
- Begin in a friendly way.
- Get the other person saying “yes, yes!”
- Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
- Let the other person feel that an idea is theirs.
- Try to see things from their point of view.
- Be sympathetic to their opinions and desires.
- Appeal to the nobler motives.
- Dramatize your ideas.
- Throw down a challenge.
1. Avoid Arguments
Carnegie explains that 90% of the time, arguments don’t end well for either party. Both walk away firmly backing themselves; the result is that everyone ends up more convinced that they are, in fact, right. It’s scarce that an argument comes to a resolution . Instead, people get fed up arguing, and nothing has changed.
“There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument – and that is to avoid it .”
2. Avoid arguments – Be respectful of people’s opinions.
It’s important to remember that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And Carnegie emphasizes the importance of never telling someone they are wrong. Whether it’s your spouse, a colleague, or a customer. Even if you disagree, don’t tell them they are wrong, as you will only rile them up. Instead, remain diplomatic; you will find it easier to get your point across .
3. Admit if You are Wrong
Be respectful of people’s opinions. – Admit it when you are wrong
It happens to the best of us; we are all wrong sometimes. And Carnegie recommends that if you are wrong, admit it as quickly and definitely as possible. Being honest is a trait that everyone admires, and by acknowledging that you are wrong, people will respect you and trust you. If you instantly put up a defense, you’re only going to look bad.” by fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected .”
4. Be friendly.
There are two ways you can approach any new situation or person. You can be friendly, warm, and welcoming. Or cold, unfriendly, and unapproachable. People are likelier to respond how you want them to if you are friendly and kind. It’s a no-brainer.
“The friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world .”
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes!
The game aims to get the other person to say “yes, yes” immediately. Carnegie refers back to the “Socratic method.” Socrates prompted his rival with a question he knew they would have to agree on. He would continue this way, one question after another, before his opponent would find themselves agreeing to something they might never have before .
6. Let them talk
As humans, we love the sound of our voices. So Carnegie recommends you let the other person talk about themselves as much as possible. First, you’ll find them telling you all about their business and any problems they have. Then, prompt the conversation by asking questions .
The key is not to interrupt; Carnegie stresses the importance of patient listening and being sincere and genuinely interested so they can feel comfortable expressing themselves honestly.
7. Let others feel that an idea is theirs
The seventh principle from Carnegie is to let the other person feel that the idea is theirs. Don’t be the person who constantly has all the views and opinions and tries to force them on other people.
It is wiser to make suggestions – and let the other person think out the conclusion?”
8. See things from their point of view.
In their minds, everyone is right. Try to understand them, see what makes them tick, and what has led them to believe that their point of view is correct.” don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.”
Put yourself in their shoes, take on their experiences, and you might be led to see why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do .
9. Be sympathetic
Carnegie encourages us always to be sympathetic to other people’s ideas, feelings, and desires. To them, these are precious. If someone explains a tricky situation they are in that has them feeling down, the best way to respond is to tell them that you are not surprised they think the way they do and that if you were in their position, you expect you’d feel the same. Make them feel not alone. And be sincere .
10. Appeal to nobler motives
When considering new people, it’s best to assume that they are honest, upfront, and will be truthful. You will likely be pleasantly rewarded by proceeding with this attitude. However, Carnegie explains that there are only a few exceptions to the rule, and those who aren’t necessarily honest, upfront and truthful will likely be shocked and possibly react in a way that might surprise them when not treated like a criminal. Innocent until proven guilty, as they say!
11. Dramatize your ideas
With the media saturation we are now used to, with tv, movies, etc. We have become accustomed to expecting drama. Simply telling the truth isn’t going to impress us. Carnegie encourages us to expand upon the fact, make it dramatic, vivid, and interesting, and act as if we are telling an incredible story. And this is how you’ll sell your ideas. Make everyone visualize what you’re trying to sell. They’ll be more likely to buy into the idea than if you told them the basic facts .
12. Throw down a challenge.
The twelfth principle of Carnegie’s tips to get people to win people into your way of thinking is to throw down a challenge. As humans, we have a love for the game, for competition, for a challenge, and for a chance to prove ourselves.
“The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove their worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.”
Be a leader: how to change people without giving or arousing resentment
The last concept in Carnegie’s book discusses how to change people without arousing resentment; it’s about how to be an effective leader. The nine fundamental principles he covers are:
- Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
- Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing other people.
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
- Let the other person save face.
- Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
- Using encouragement makes faults seem easy to correct.
- Make the other person feel happy about doing the thing you suggested.
1. Honest appreciation and praise
Begin an interaction with praise and honest appreciation. It will immediately give the other person a sense of pride and confidence. They will be warmed to you and more willing to take on what you are about to suggest .
“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocaine is pain-killing.”
2. Be indirect when talking about mistakes.
This follows from the previous principle; it’s great to start with praise and appreciation; however, if you end that statement with the word “but” and then discuss their mistake, you undo all the good you did with the first statement. If you can be indirect when talking about a mistake, a sensitive person will accept it better and learn. Direct criticism works for some people, but most are too afraid to hear this.
3. Admit your own mistakes
We are all human, and no one on this earth has ever been perfect. We’ve all made mistakes. Carnegie suggests admitting your own mistakes before you move on to talk about someone else’s. Phrase it in a way to say you can see why they made the error; it’s something you have done in the past. Carnegie believes that this will be a successful approach in convincing someone to change their behavior .
4. Ask questions, don’t give orders.
It’s easy to feel like you need to boss people around and that you need to tell them precisely what to do and when to do it. But Carnegie explains that to get people to accelerate their work, describing a situation to your staff and asking them what they think is the best way to deal with it is a better approach .
This puts the responsibility into their hands; they’ll be able to come up with ideas and consequently push through the work to get more done .
5. Let them save face
Nobody likes to feel shame, and there’s no need to shame another person. You’re only doing damage to their ego. Regardless of how wrong they are, you don’t want to be the one to affect their sense of self and pride.” what matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime .”
6. Always be praising
People respond better when they feel good about themselves, and this is why Carnegie encourages you to praise even the slightest improvement and ensure that every gain is recognized appropriately.
“Talk about changing people. If you and I will inspire the people with whom we come in contact with a realization of the hidden treasures they possess, we can do far more than change people. We can transform them.”
When you criticize someone, you’re knocking them down, affecting their self-confidence, and they are likely to recede and work worse, not better. But by praising someone, you are using your power to lift them, build their confidence and give them the ability to work harder and better. People can work to their full potential if they feel recognized and appreciated .
Carnegie encourages you to give people a fine reputation to look up to. This one’s obvious: lead by example. Give people a reason to look up to you; provide them with the desire to want to live up to your reputation.
8. Make it easy to fix
Carnegie explains that if someone you are dealing with has done something dumb or stupid, you should never directly tell them that. This is only going to destroy their desire to improve. Instead, it would help if you encouraged them and made it seem like there’s an easy way to fix the situation, something they can do themselves. This way, they will feel supported and encouraged and go above and beyond to improve the situation .
9. Make them happy
The last principle from Carnegie encourages you to make the other person feel happy about doing something. If they are so glad to do it, they are more likely to proceed and do an excellent job. So get them excited, and inspire a little passion so they can approach a task with happiness and a drive to do well .
- It’s essential to try and understand other people.
- Try to see things from other people’s perspectives. Put yourself in their shoes.
- Always be honest and upfront.
- Learn how to be a good listener.
- Avoid arguments at all costs.
- Accept that people may have different opinions from you.
- Accept and acknowledge your own mistakes
- Encouragement and praise are essential in getting people to do things for you.
- Don’t give orders; instead, ask questions.
- Never embarrass someone else; let them keep their pride intact.
Buy original book now: How to Win Friends and Influence People.
157 thoughts on “How to Win Friends and Influence People”
THANKYOU sir Day 9 completed
Book:How to win friends and influence people
How to win friends and influence people
writer- Dale Carnegie
1) Be nice to others.
2) Keep smiling always.
3) Accept your mistakes.
4) Inspire people to do work on their passion.
5) Be honest.
6) Learn to respect others.
Day 9 complete
THANK you Amit sir and team you all are doing great job . we do not have time to read books but you all provide us precise and perfect summary. Today I am learned how to win friends.. amazing ?
Day 9/28 days
Office politics had immense affect on my health, … This book is very useful to everyone. Thanks
Day 9 completed.
1.give genius praise .
2.be patient in listening.
3.encoueage them to more talk about themselves.
4.try to be understanding instead of judging.
5.be truthful,honest and sincere.
Wonderfully summerrized.The effective communication always needed in every area .
Day 9, How to win friends and influence people. By Dale Carnegie.
To win people one should be a good speaker and a good listener. One should appreciate others and make others feel worthy. One should not use hurting words or insult others. One should be a patient listener.
Thank you Amit sir and RBC.
1. Honest and sincere appreciation.
2. Be understanding.
4. Be a good listener.
6. See things from their perspectives.
7. Be a leader without arousing resentment.
8. Praise the slightest and every improvement.
9. Talk about your mistakes.
10. Tell people’s mistakes indirectly.
Day 9 – 28 Days Reading Challenge
“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocaine is pain-killing.”
09-02-2023-How to win friends & influence people book key learnings:
Always Appreciate other people
Be honest & genuine with all people
Come out of the argument
Give your ideas if possible
Always think good about people
Support others interest
Thank you, Amit Sir
Day 9, How to win friends and influence people, by dale carnegie.
To win people one should be a good listener and a good speaker. One should appreciate others and make them feel worthy. One should not hurt or insult others.
Thank you Amit sir and RBC.
No 1 Best book summary ? how to win friends and influence
Thanks today,s 9th day
Thank you so for the book summary of “How to win friends and influence people “? ? ?