If you are a man, do you find a woman very different from yours? And, if you are a woman, do you find a man totally from a different planet? Do you want to understand the reasons for the differences between men and women?
If these questions trouble you, then all your answers are just below. In the next few minutes, most of those doubts will vanish forever.
Today we will discuss the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” It is written by John Gray. John Gray is a relationship counsellor, lecturer, and author. If you are worried about your relationship, or you want to understand the psychology of men or women closer, how and what is the difference between them, then this book is for you.
Why read the summary here?
Congratulations on asking such a great question! As a bibliophile, I am passionate about reading books, taking notes, applying their teachings, and summarizing their impact on me. If you’re familiar with my YouTube channel – Readers Books Club – you’ll know how deeply I delve into books to extract the best insights. I’ve applied the same level of scrutiny to this book, and the result is the summary you’re reading now. Despite the many articles and blogs available, this book is worth your attention.
So let’s begin…
Background of this book
The author became a father just seven days before. His wife was in pain. She asked his brother instead of his husband to bring medicine. He forgot to bring medicine, and as a result, she cried all day because of the pain. When the author reached his home in the evening, he saw her crying and blaming him.
The author asked why she did not call him. His wife said – I asked your brother to bring tablets, but he forgot. The author got angry since she did not call him, and now she blames him.
Both were angry. When the author stood up to go, something happened that changed his life. His wife, Bobby said, please stay, don’t leave me.
This is the time I need you most. I am crying in pain. Please sit near me and listen to me. She said – John Gray, you are a selfish friend. You only stay with me when everything is alright, but whenever I get into trouble, you go away. She had tears in her eyes. At that moment author started understanding the meaning of love.
He did not go anywhere. He stayed, he felt good, and he felt loved. After that day, the author decided to research the topic that men and women are different. What things make them different from each other?
After researching for seven years, he concluded that both men and women think differently, which is why their relationship suffers.
Chapter 1: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
Here the author tells a story – men used to live on Mars, and women used to live on Venus. Men saw women and came to meet them. They fell in love with each other.
They decided to live on Earth thereafter. They forget that they are different from each other. They started fighting with each other. And they are still fighting.
Remember your differences
Without knowing that we are different from each other, we will keep fighting with each other for life. We usually want to change our partner according to us, but that is impossible.
And as a result, we fight. But when you understand that both men and women are from different planets, you can live happily ever after.
Your intentions are not enough
Falling in love is beautiful; we feel like it will never end. We think that we will not face any difficulties together. But slowly, this magic fed off, and we start noticing our partner’s flaws.
Men want women to think according to them, and women want men to think like them. They don’t realize that both are different.
And often, it turns out to be a situation that results in a divorce. They both ask themselves. Why did this happen? How did this happen? My intentions were not wrong.
So that is the point; even if our intentions are not evil, we still spoil our relationships.
Chapter 2: Mr. “Fix-it” & Mrs. “Home improvement committee”
Women often complain that men do not listen to them properly. Men ignore women. Whenever she tells him her problem, he listens for some time, and after that, he starts giving solutions or how-to-fix-it tactics.
At the same time, women want him to listen, not to give them solutions.
On the other hand, men tend to keep their problems to themselves; they don’t show them to anyone else unless it becomes necessary. He thinks like, why should I tell it to someone when I alone can fix it?
Life on Mars
People on Mars emphasise power, work ethics, and achievements. They take an interest in outdoor activities like fishing, racing, etc.
They are less interested in novels or books. Instead of people and feelings, they tend to be more interested in materialistic things. Achieving a goal is on their priority list.
They want to feel proud of smashing their goals. As a result, they think like an expert and tend to give suggestions when someone tells them their problems.
And when women tell them their problems, men start giving suggestions, and when she does not seem to be satisfied, men can’t understand what went wrong.
Life on Venus
On the other hand, life on Venus is far different. For women, love and affections are far more important than achievements.
Women on Venus prefer love and affection over buildings and machines. Relations are more important for them, rather than achieving something. It is not essential for them to prove themselves usually.
That is why for them, it is okay to take help or help someone. And that is what they usually do. Women feel loved when someone helps them, which is what they do with men.
But when someone gives advice to men or helps them without being asked, he feels like he is not good enough.
On Venus, giving advice is considered a sign of love. At the same time, people on Mars give importance to solutions. Men think, if something is going right, let it be, don’t change it.
When a woman wants to change a man, the man thinks he is a spoiled, worthless man. Women do not realize that men take it as an insult subconsciously.
Don’t give suggestions
So, here is some advice for women. There is no surprise that women hurt men without even knowing it when she is giving them advice.
Although she wants to show him, love, she unintentionally hurts him. Simply, don’t give advice to men unless it becomes a necessity.
Learn to listen
Here is a lesson for men, too: just listening. He should understand that when a woman is telling him that she is worried or when she tells men any kind of her problem, listen; most of the time, all she wants is a listening person. Don’t give her suggestions; listen.
Chapter 3: Men go to their cave, and women speak too much
The most significant difference between men and women is how they handle stress. Men focus on their problems and cut themselves from the outer world. While women want to share their problems with others, they want to share their sorrow. Men tend to solve it alone, while women want to talk to everybody about problems.
For example – A guy, Tom, comes from the office to home; he wants to rest and spend some time alone, so he reads a news magazine; he is a little bit worried.
On the other hand, his wife, Merry, comes from the office, she is also a little bit worried, but she wants to talk to someone about her problems or her day. Tom thinks she speaks too much, while Merry thinks Tom is not paying enough attention to her.
To understand this dilemma, we need to understand the opposite sex. Without knowing that Merry is speaking this much to relieve her stress, Tom will keep thinking that she speaks so much, and he will ignore him.
While without knowing, that Tom is reading a magazine to feel relaxed, Merry will always think that Tom is ignoring her.
Finding peace in a cave
When a man is stressed, he goes into the cave of his mind to mind some solutions. He can’t pay attention to other things happening out there. But he leaves that cave and usually lives when he finds some solution.
But if he cannot sort out his problems, he will get stuck in that cave and will do something that will help him forget that problem, like driving a car, watching TV, etc.
What women think about cave
When a man enters a cave, he can’t pay enough attention to his partner, and she bothers him. Now, when she wants to talk to, whom to talk to? She thinks that he is ignoring her.
Usually, women don’t know how men deal with problems. A woman wants him to express his problem openly as she does.
It makes no sense to expect a stressed man to tell anyone his problems openly. It also makes no use that women stuck in a problem will sit calmly and talk rationally.
When a man enters his cave, he forgets that his friend could also have problems. They think like before pleasing someone, they should focus on themselves first.
When wives see this kind of attitude, they retaliate and get frustrated. Instead of fighting, women should understand that going into the cave is not men’s choice; it’s their habit.
So help them, don’t fight. On the other hand, men don’t realize how frustrated their wife gets when he goes into their cave. If he could understand this, he would show her more affection.
Finding peace in speaking
When a woman is stressed, she thinks of saying it to someone. But when she starts talking about his problems, she does not tell them in order of importance; she tells everything she has in her mind. She does not want a solution; she wants to feel relaxed.
Telling about her problems, regardless of the order of importance, gives them pleasure. She finds satisfaction when she finds that someone understands and admires what she has to say. And this is the way they are.
When women speak, what are men’s reactions?
When the wife tells him about her problems to her husband, the husband feels she is blaming him for all the problems. The more he listens, the more he feels like it. He does not realize she is not blaming him; she is just talking about her problems to feel good.
Men should understand that just listening to her will improve their mood. Men only talk for two reasons, first, when someone blames them, or second, when someone seeks advice. When they feel someone is seeking advice, they will start giving suggestions that women do not like.
And when they feel like someone is blaming them, they go into defensive mode and defend themselves.
In both cases, it is hard for them to listen. They will give clarifications. And women do not want clarification. All she wants is when she speaks to listen to them keenly.
Chapter 4: How to encourage partner
Men find motivation when they feel like someone needs them, while women feel motivated when they feel like they are being loved and pampered.
When a man feels like his wife does not need him, he feels worthless. When a woman feels like her husband does not love her, she mentally breaks down.
When men feel their wife needs them and women feel she is being loved, it makes a perfect relationship.
When a man loves a woman
Usually, there is a philosophy deeply rooted in men to win at any cost. And in relationships, this philosophy does a lot of damage. If a man harms his lady just to fulfil his desire, it will lead to a broken relationship.
There is an attraction in difference
Many women know how to send signals to men. Women can tell men they can make them happy at the start of any relationship.
It encourages a man to come close to her. It makes him fearless. Sadly, after getting into a relationship and facing some problems, women forget that men still need those signals, which are still essential for them.
Men get inspired by love
When men truly love women, they get so confident that they can do anything. They take care of their partner. Most men are eager to love. When the relationship shakes, men get frustrated and go into their caves. He stops caring for his partner, thinking that she does not need him. If he finds a woman that needs him, he will get out of this cave.
When a woman loves a man
Women are also eager to love. They want someone to take care of them. Often most men do not realize how much love a woman needs.
When women feel like they are being loved and understood, they stay happy. When a woman is unhappy and stressed, she only wants a person who can understand her.
If a man shows sympathy and understands her, the women’s mood will automatically improve. But men do not understand this little thing.
Since they want to go to the cave, they think women must want to go there, and it worsens matters. He does not realize that a woman feels relaxed when sharing her problems. All they want is for someone to hear them.
Everybody will get tired when tested too much
Most women are givers. They try to give everything to their loved ones. But as men, we should understand that everybody has a limit.
Women are known for their sacrifices. But they, too, have their own limits. They also need time for themselves to pay attention to themselves.
They need a man who can support them emotionally; they don’t want a man who becomes an emotional liability.
Learn to get
Women get scared at the thought of demanding more. They mostly think they got what they deserve; they are brought up like this.
Since they fear that if they demand more, men will leave them. But deep within, she knows that she needs more.
It could save a relationship if she could work up the courage to say it to her husband. If the husband is yelling at the wife, she should say he could please stop yelling because she does not like it. Women need to make men realize their emotional needs so they can behave accordingly.
Chapter 5: Both speak different languages
It does not mean the same when men and women speak the exact words. For example – when a woman says, “You never listen to what I have to say,” they want to say, “Sometimes you don’t listen to me” – but what men don’t get and this makes matters worse. Women use many words like this to express themselves freely, but men take it as it is said.
When men don’t speak much
When men do not speak much, it becomes hard for women to understand them. They take it negatively.
We should understand that both men and women think differently. Women think while speaking, whereas men first think and then speak.
When men are silent, women should understand that he is thinking about something.
How women react to men’s silence
When a man is silent, women think – he probably hates me; he does not love me. Women remain silent under only two conditions, either they don’t want to hurt somebody, or when they don’t know who they are talking to.
And when a man is silent, she thinks the same way. Understanding the cave’s secret will make it easier for them to understand men.
Understand the cave
Women should understand that when a man is stressed/does not have a solution for his problems, wants to be alone to calm himself down, or wants to self-inspect. They isolate themselves and go to their cave.
Nobody is permitted inside that cave, not even his closest friend. This is how men are. After sorting everything out, he will automatically come out of the cave.
But this is hard for women since they believe if someone is in trouble, never leave him alone. Apart from this, she thinks if she asks him many questions and listens, his mood will be refreshed since she is like that.
What to do when men go to the cave?
- Don’t be upset when he goes away from you.
- Don’t try to advise him; it will worsen the condition.
- Don’t ask how he is feeling.
- Don’t wait for him to come out of the cave.
- Don’t get stressed over him or be sad.
- Do something that makes you happy, like talking to your friend, watching TV, etc.
Chapter 6: Men are like a rubber band
Men are like a rubber band. They go away from you, too, as much as they can, and then they come close to you again. Men are not like women. Women go away from men when they feel cheated or don’t trust their man.
But man does it frequently; even women do nothing wrong to them. He does it to fulfil his will of freedom. He realizes how meaningful this relationship is to him when he goes away.
Here is an example of a girl named Meggi and her boyfriend Jeff. She was in a relationship with Jeff. Both were dating for six months. But suddenly, Jeff started going away emotionally from Meggi. She could not understand what had happened; she thought it must be her mistake, so she tried to follow him.
But the more she tried, the more it got worse. She went to some seminars, and then she realized what was going on.
When a man goes away, he returns with more energy. Women should remember that they should let him go to come back even closer.
Why a man goes away?
Men leave because they think this romance and relationship is taking away their freedom. Some men say, “I want some space; leave me alone for some time.” No matter what, this is necessary for a man to go away to make the relationship better. By doing this, they feel self-dependent.
Why do women get scared?
Women think they may have made some mistake, so their men left. She is scared that her man will never return.
Apart from that, she does not know why he went away. Therefore, she can’t do anything to bring him back. If she could understand why men go away, and men are like a rubber band, her life could be better again.
Chapter 7: Women are like waves
Women are like waves. Their mood can change in no time. Sometimes up, sometimes down. When they go down, it feels like going down into a well. This time they feel irritable, moody, and alone. But when she comes out of well, she becomes all fine. When a women’s mood is not okay, men should support her emotionally and understand her.
What man thinks about these waves?
When a man loves a woman, she looks of a very loving nature. And the man thinks she will be like this all time. But this expectation is like thinking that ‘seasons will never change.’
Like men, women also have their cycle. Men go away and come back like a rubber band like women go into a well and come outside back. A woman who does not find enough support when suffering will never be happy.
When a woman’s mood is fine, she sees the glass half full; when she is not feeling well, she sees the glass half empty.
Women are like waves; their men could never keep women happy unless they understand this. Men get frustrated because they see everything looks okay from the outside, but their partner is still looking sad. He must know about her wave tendency.
Don’t try to fix them
Here is an example – Bill could not understand his wife. Her mood remains fine for some weeks, and suddenly, she becomes sad and feels like she is doing so much for others, but nobody cares for her. When Bill tries to convince her, it makes the situation worse.
His only mistake was trying to stop her wife from going into well. But he should have understood that she would not come out until she touched the base of the well. Let your wife go into well; don’t advise her on why she should not go into well; instead, listen to what she is saying.
What should men understand?
If a man could help her woman emotionally, that would be good. It will not solve her problems but help her overcome her emotions well.
He should know he is not responsible for this situation, so he should freely express his love to her. Just give her time and sympathy.
When both are struggling
Research shows that when a woman is going into a well, and a man is stretching like rubber, this is the time when the situation gets worse.
This is the time when both of them are not feeling well. Men should understand their partner’s emotional needs, and women should consider the rubber principle.
Money can also create problems
Many men complained they were poor when they got married. Their wife used to complain about financial problems. But many of them say after getting rich, things even got worse. They say they were even happier when they were poor. Men should understand that it does not matter if you are rich or poor; women need emotional support first, she needs a caring one, a listening one.
Money can’t be a substitute for emotional needs
Men usually think that money is the ultimate solution to all problems. When relationships shake, people can’t point out the exact reason. They think they have enough money but are still facing problems.
They don’t understand that money has nothing to do with their situation. When people are poor but support each other emotionally, it is far better than people with a lot of money and no emotional support.
Chapter 8: Both have different emotional needs
Both men and women have no idea that their emotional needs are different. Men give what they want for them. Women give what they want. They think that their partner needs what they need themselves.
And as a result, when a woman is upset, he leaves her alone because this is what a man needs when he is upset.
For that, a woman keeps talking to her man when she sees him upset because that is what she wants for her. We see things from our perspective. But that is where we need to improve.
Here are some of the basic needs for men and women:
- Women want to be cared for, while men want someone to believe in them.
- Women want to be understood, while men want to be accepted as they are.
- Women want to be respected, while men want to be appreciated.
- Women want loyalty, while men want praise.
- Women want to be supported, while men want someone to satisfy them.
- Women need assurance, and men want encouragement.
Chapter 9: How to prevent yourself from an argument?
The biggest challenge in a relationship is the challenge of arguments. Often both partners start a conversation and get into an argument. Both point out each other’s mistakes and make the situation worse.
Since conversation is essential to any relationship, argument is the most dangerous thing. The golden rule is to prevent yourself from an argument. Instead, think calmly about what could be done to make it a good conversation. Some people don’t get into an argument, but they go into silent mode. And this leads to a cold war.
What happens in an argument?
We harm each other. We forget that being different is entirely normal. It does not hurt what you say to your partner; how you talk to your partner hurts. The good news is that it takes two people to get into an argument but needs only one to stop it.
How to prevent damage?
- Attacking – This is a weapon used mainly by men. When they get into an argument, they start attacking. He blames his partner and starts yelling. By doing this, they think they won, but in reality, they lost.
- Running away – This is also a tactic of men. When they feel like they are in danger, they run away into their cave and don’t come out. This resulted in a cold war. They refuse to talk and make the situation worse.
- Wearing a mask – This is a trait of women. To prevent themselves from damage, women behave like there is no problem. She wears a fake smile on her face but deep down, she remains sad.
- Surrender – This is also a trait of women. They surrender. They take all blame on themselves even if she is not wrong. She assumes that her partner is sad because of her. It will make everything fine for that moment, but in the long term, it results in a mental panic for women.
Chapter 10: How can a man win a woman’s heart?
Men think that if they do something more significant for their partner, like buying a car or going on a holiday trip, only then will they be happy. They assume that opening doors for her and giving her roses will not make any difference.
But things do not work this way. Women give the same number to every work done for her. It does not matter if it is an enormous or a little favour.
What does a man expect?
Women get happier with little things, but if they do not let it known to their partner, men will never know that he is succeeding in their effort. By smiling or thanking him, women can express their happiness, making their men feel proud and happier.
What should a woman never forget?
A woman should understand that men naturally want to give bigger gifts. If he does not give you little gifts, don’t mind. It does not mean he does not love you. It only means he is trying hard to give you a bigger gift. You can encourage him to give small gifts.
Chapter 11: When you are angry, write a love letter
When you are angry or frustrated and can’t speak some words of love, write a love letter. It may sound like an old-school thing. But trust me, it really works. It will also improve both of your moods.
In a love letter, focus on these five factors, explain these in your letter, angriness, sadness, fear, regret, and love.
Explain to your partner why you got angry. Tell them that you are sad. Tell them you are scared of losing them. It will really make them feel good. Show them you regret what you did. And in the last tell them how much you love them. It’s that simple.
Chapter 12: How to ask for help?
If you are not getting what you want from your partner, it means you are not asking for that or may not be asking correctly.
It is necessary to ask for help to make a successful relationship. For women, it is harder to ask for help. Women usually do not ask for help because they think they don’t have to ask for it; it should be given to them without being asked.
She thinks that if their lover loves them, he will help him anyways. But they should understand they unless you tell a man what you need, how can he help you? Men think you don’t need any help unless you ask for help.
Just keep in mind these steps to ask for help:
- Ask for help correctly – Ask him to do something he does anyway, like throwing garbage outside. When he does that, praise him. It will make you less shy about asking for help.
- Ask for more, even if you know he will deny it – Ask for more help; if he denies learning not to take that personally. It will encourage him to help.
- Ask for help assertively – When you finish the two steps above, now is the time to ask assertively. And wait for some time; if he wants to help, he will. Don’t fight if he says no.
Chapter 13: How to keep alive the magic of love?
Sometimes it happens that we are happy, and suddenly we become sad. It is because the ghost of the past keeps haunting us.
90% reason for sadness is our past; only 10% of the present haunts us. Write down on paper or write a love letter to your partner, which will solve all your problems. Act before it’s too late – if you are angry with your partner, sort out the issue as soon as possible. The later, the bitter it gets.
The relationship is like a garden; keep feeding it with water and manure. Love is always beautiful unless someone makes a mistake. And this is the time we have to step up and save our relationship.