Do you like yourself? Your way of living? Or, do you harbour doubt on acceptance by others? What others think? You care more for their approval than yours?
If these are important questions for you, then I must congratulate you on dropping here as this is the place where you will get all your doubts cleared.
Introduction
Today we will discuss the book “The Courage To Be Disliked” by “Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga“.
This book explains how you can change your life and find happiness. The book discusses Adlerian psychology, which changes your attitude to lead an easy and happy life. The book tells you how to harness the power within you to be your best and most authentic self, change your future and find everlasting happiness.
The author explains that we all can free our future from past experiences, doubts, and expectations of others. It sets us free, gives us courage, and allows us to ignore the limitations we and those around us may place on us. This book will help you to change your whole life.
To understand the book better, we are going to discuss this book in 11 essential chapters.
So let’s get started.
Chapter 1. How to Change Your Life?
You can change at any time. But you cannot do this because you do not choose to do so. Meaning you do not take the necessary steps for change. And remain entangled in his past. “Adlerian Psychology” tells us we should consider our current goals, not past causes. Remember, your past does not determine your present; it is the meaning you make of your history.
You can’t change just because you don’t decide to change. It’s easier to leave things as they are. But if you stay like this, you can face more bad troubles. Your life can be painful and anxious if you choose not to change. You can’t even fulfill your dreams when you don’t decide to change. So, to make a change, you must tell yourself, “If I can try, I can do it”. Also, it would help if you made changes with full courage.
If your past experiences were not good, it does not mean that you cannot improve your present. You create your gift through whatever you do to fulfill your objectives or dreams. This means you create the meaning and experience of your life yourself, so never hold back from making changes. Persevere, and eventually, you can change your life.
Chapter 2. You Create the Feelings
As you know, your change begins with the decision to make a change. Therefore, you must see the obstacle between the changes, so you cannot continuously change. The answer is your feelings. Yes, it is your feelings due to which you face difficulties and cannot complete the change.
This means that you start shouting angrily when something in your life does not go according to you. And your emotions overwhelm you; in other words, by yelling, you create a feeling of anger.
Anger is a feeling that makes you uncontrollable. And you start making wrong decisions; that’s why it is said that decisions taken in anger are like trouble. You get angry over small things like the waiter spilling coffee on your jacket, then you yell at him, while you know that shouting or getting angry will not clean your jacket.
That’s why you should stay calm and learn to control your emotions. Remember, emotions do not govern us. Instead, we should keep our emotions under control.
If you cannot control your emotions and anger, you will not be able to manage your life, either. To get out of all this, accept yourself now, don’t let your emotions overwhelm you, try to remain calm, forgive yourself and others for mistakes regardless of the consequences, and go ahead and Have the courage to grow. You can manage your whole life if you learn to control your emotions.
Chapter 3. Use Adlerian Psychology
We all do the determination of our life according to our experience. And sometimes, this makes our lifestyle, which decides how we see the world and ourselves.
A boy named Sam had to face a problem like an accident when he came out of the house once in his childhood, due to which fear remains in his mind, so he has trouble coming out of that shock.
Adlerian Method: It turns out that Sam doesn’t aim to go out, so he faces anxiety and fear of coming out. Similarly, he also sees the world as a scary world. But this fear is just an excuse because if Sam never tried to get out, how could he escape that shock?
Similarly, to know the result of any work in your life, it is necessary to do and see it; only then will you be able to see its positive side. Whatever has happened so far should have nothing to do with how you live from now on. Remember, you are living in the present, and you are the one who decides your own life. Therefore, with full courage, move ahead confidently and achieve your goals.
Adlerian psychology is the psychology of courage. According to this, do not blame the past or your environment for your problems and do not believe that you lack eligibility, but the truth is that you cannot achieve your goals simply due to a lack of courage.
Therefore, you must have courage and do your work confidently to get happiness. Only then will you be able to come out of your every shock and achieve the absolute joy of your life.
Chapter 4. You use an inferiority complex as an excuse
As we know, when we use our emotions as an excuse, we get into trouble. Similarly, feelings of inferiority are subjective rather than objective facts, which comparing oneself arise solely from there’s a good thing about subjectivity: it allows you to make your own choices, which means you can improve your attitude towards something by changing your relationship with it, etc.
Although we cannot change the objective facts, objective fact implies that the thing remains as it is by nature, but we can change the subjective as much as we want.
We come into the world as helpless creatures and universally desire to escape that vulnerable state. This is called the pursuit of superiority. The feeling of inferiority, by using it correctly, can be made a good source for development. However, unsuccessful people lose the courage to step forward and only accept that some situations can be changed by making realistic efforts.
Before doing anything, they give up and say, “I’m not good enough anyway,” or “Even if I tried, I wouldn’t stand a chance.” So it is called an inferiority complex. People often use feelings of inferiority as an excuse not to. Something like this: “I’m not well educated, so I can’t be successful,” or “I’m not good-looking, so I can’t get into a good relationship.” It is said to use an inferiority complex.
Whereas successful people are those, who have excelled. And they do everything as if they are great and move forward with the spirit of excellence. To keep moving forward, keep the inferiority complex away from you and keep moving forward by using your goodness.
You will need the courage to move forward continuously so that you will be able to face the obstacles firmly. With this, you will surely achieve success, and your life will be filled with happiness. Therefore, leaving the feeling of making excuses from today and now, focus on moving forward and getting the desired results.
Chapter 5. How to Find Real Happiness?
Most of us cannot be happy because we see the happiness of others as our “own defeat” and want to change others accordingly. But if you want to be satisfied, you have to focus on yourself. Adlerian psychology is the psychology of changing oneself, not the psychology of changing others.
Instead of waiting for others to change, the first step is to take yourself forward. Because the world can never change, you can be the change you want to see.
If you want to try to move ahead with excellence, you must take a step forward; no one else will do it for you. Also, to achieve happiness in your life, you have to create a healthy sense of inferiority, which does not come from comparing yourself to others but comes from comparing yourself with your ideal self today so that you get the inner motivation to improve yourself and move forward till you become like your perfect person.
Many people are unhappy while making their successful life in the eyes of society because they are just living in competition. But, when you realize that “people are my companions,” your way of looking at the world will change, and you will be able to achieve your happiness.
Adler believes in the pursuit of excellence, a universal desire to strive to be great, which teaches you to take steps to move forward, for which you need to compete to make the goal of being more significant than others.
Remember, we are all different from each other, and we all have our unique qualities. We do not walk to compete with anyone. Instead, improve yourself, so try to move forward from what you have now. Your competition should be with yourself so that you can develop yourself best.
You are thinking about yourself, worrying, making decisions, and making your happiness depend on you. So move forward with courage, focus on becoming better today than yesterday, and keep moving towards your ideal goal till you achieve it.
Everyone is running towards their goal; the wife is looking for parenting tips, and the husband is looking for business and finance tips. Siblings are looking for mental/physical fitness, teen mythology, and biography.
Chapter 6. Recognition rejects the wish
Most of us often expect others to do what others want. Due to this, he leaves his life and starts living the life of others. Changing it is essential; you can only live your life with success and happiness. Therefore, you must deny your desire for recognition.
You are not living to meet the expectations of others, and others are not living to meet your expectations. We are all living our lives, so we must develop them.
If we talk about your relationships, everyone in the relationship has the freedom that those people can like or dislike each other or any other thing, habit. This is proof that you are free and living according to your principles.
As long as the decisions of others bind you, and you are afraid of being disliked by others, you can never live your life your way, and thus you will never be free. So make the decisions of your life for yourself, and in the end, you will become what you think.
Someone who doesn’t think well of you is their problem, not yours. It is not your job to change his mind. All you can do about the relationships in your life is choose the best path you trust. What else will people think of that? Go ahead without thinking about it? When someone doesn’t like you and tells you to act accordingly.
So it would help if you refused their talk as soon as possible. And don’t give any answer to their words. That’s the only thing you can do. Only when you are wrong, accept your mistakes and apologies; none of this is giving up. Instead, by doing this, you will move forward on a positive path with truth and kindness.
Make your own decisions and act on your expectations; ultimately, you can achieve the results and happiness you want more quickly.
Chapter 7. Human Behaviour
Human Behaviour is affected by others. This is the reason why we work according to others. But you can control your behavior and use them accordingly. To use human behavior properly, you have to fulfill its two objectives:
- Be self-dependent
- Work in harmony with society
To bring these behaviors into your life, you have to develop an understanding in yourself that: you have abilities and people are your companions. I can achieve whatever I want in my life. It would help if you also concentrated on doing the critical work of your life. Adler has divided “life’s work” into three tasks you can face to achieve your objectives.
- Work: All your work is related to professional life.
- Friendship works work related to your friends and relatives.
- Deeds of love: The deeds of having love for your loved ones.
If your friends or loved ones seem happy, celebrate that happiness well. This is the way of expressing love. Relationships in which people hold on to each other end up breaking down. So support your loved ones in their decisions and be happy for their success.
Adler never sees the work of life as good and evil. They say that life is not ethics or good and evil which we should discuss, but life is an issue of courage. That’s why it is very much needed for success. If someone does the right thing, he gets happiness. But if someone does wrong, he gets punished. We are taught to seek reward and punishment.
This leads us to the wrong lifestyle in which people think that if no one is going to brag about them, their work is useless. And this idea of reward and punishment suggests that if someone does the right thing, he will be praised. Due to this, people also think that if I do not do the right thing and no one will punish me, then I will also do the wrong thing.
Instead of thinking like this, you should do those things which will give you good results. You may be successful with lousy work, but you can never be happy, so you should do good things to achieve happiness and success. Of course, whether there is someone to watch or not, you are living your own life, and it should be your responsibility to improve it.
Chapter 8. How to do separate tasks
To care about others is to use the correct human behavior, so don’t act without caring about others. To understand this, it is essential to understand the idea of Adlerian psychology called “Separation of work”. We have to ask, “Whose job is this?” There is a need to think from this point of view. And to constantly separate your work from the work of others.
Do not interfere with each other’s work. Generally, all relationship problems are caused by people interfering in the creation of others or interfering in their work. It’s an easy way to tell whose job it is—thinking about who is going to get the results of the work that has been chosen. And then the one who is about to achieve must work together.
Adlerian psychology does not recommend an intrusive point of view. Non-interference is the attitude of not knowing, and it doesn’t interest you to understand what someone else is doing. Instead, you help them by knowing what the other person is doing.
This means that instead of interfering in his work, you help him, and all the decisions to make are of the same power. The act of trusting is also a “separation of work”. In which you trust your partner, and that is your job. But how that force works for your expectations and trust is their job.
Interfering with other people’s work and making other people’s work your own can make your life heavy and full of trouble. If you’re living a life of worry and pain made up of your relationships, you need to know your limits: “From here on out, it’s not my job to say.”
And stop doing other people’s work. It is the first step toward lightening the burden and making life easier. Remember, the three functions of life are work, friendship, and love. Doing work for these and moving forward in your life. With this, you can easily find happiness and success in your life.
Chapter 9. Real Freedom
For humans, it is an entirely natural desire to face the desire not to be disliked by others. Modern philosophers have called this desire “inclination” like a stone without life. Once it starts rolling downwards, it keeps rolling because of the laws of gravity. But we are not stones. Resist that we can stop ourselves from falling and climbing up.
The desire for recognition is natural. So do you keep rolling down to get credit from others? Can you sink like a rolling stone until all is well? No, then why do you get so sad when others dislike you? When you start adopting yourself differently and with your merit, you achieve your life’s absolute freedom.
Other people dislike freedom. It is that you are living according to your principles. Creating yourself so no one dislikes you is one of the most accessible ways to live, but it is also impossible. When a person wants to use his freedom, he has to pay the price.
And the price of space in an interpersonal relationship is that one person is liked and disliked by others. Therefore, if you want to adopt absolute freedom in your life, you have to assume dislike, and only you will be able to work according to yourself. And find your true happiness.
Chapter 10. Self-affirmation, Trust in others, Contribution to others
When switching your well-being to concern for others (the good of society) and gaining a sense of community. Right now, you need three things that help you: “self-affirmation”, “trust in others”, and “contribution to others.”
Self-affirmation: It is related to giving suggestions to yourself, in which you make yourself feel for your good. Like “I can do this” or “I am strong”. It is a belief that can bring excellence and a way of living in which one speaks to himself as he wishes. To put it simply, let’s say you scored 60% on the exam; tell yourself, I just got unlucky this time, as the actual score is 100%. So this is called self-affirmation.
Conversely, if one accepts himself as 60% and thinks to himself, how should one get closer to 100%? So this is called self-affirmation. This means the situation assumes everything about one, and you will become what you believe, so do the same things to yourself as the results you want. That is the essence of self-affirmation.
Trust in others: Trust comes without any made-up conditions. Even if one does not have enough grounds to trust someone, he still counts, just like the things we trust without bothering ourselves – unconditionally about things of security.
This is our Self-confidence. If someone can accept themselves as they are and figure out what others can and can’t do, they can also understand how to trust and work with others. Having trust in others means seeing others as a partner. By which one can find a sense of belonging and are convinced that “it is okay to be with you”.
Contribution to others: The most easily understood contribution to others is work. It is through work that one can help others. Contributes to the cause and results for your community.
By using these three, you can work for the betterment of the world or society and attain self-peace, making you feel innumerable happiness.
Chapter 11. The Courage Of Being Modest
We all want to be exceptional in our lives, but have you ever thought about why it is essential to be unique? Answer: This happens because one does not want to consider himself mediocre or average.
And for this reason, when a person finds it very difficult to become very good, they make all efforts to become exceptional by becoming very bad. But is being modest such a bad thing? Is this something less? Isn’t everyone mediocre?
But, if you choose the first important step of self-affirmation. So you can keep the courage to be modest, which will change how you see the world. One does not need to show his superiority without need. You can become great even by looking modest; you should keep working to improve your community.
Everyone can show the courage to be unique, but in reality, notable is the one who, despite being unique, can show everyone the courage to be a minor.
Our life is a chain of moments that is neither present in the past nor the future. It is in the present, so live in the here and now. Enjoy your today without worrying about the past or the future. Life is always easy; there is nothing in life that you need to be very serious about. If you live honestly every moment, you do not need to be too serious.
Just remember that your life is yours – so the decisions to improve this life should be yours too. When you adopt this point of view, your life can always be full of happiness. And you start living your life with success, joy, and peace. So from today itself, make this new point of view a part of your life and get ready to live better today and tomorrow.
Conclusion
With this book’s help, we learned about changing our life into a life full of happiness. Learn how to live with dignity and joy despite being disliked by people.
Remember that life is not as difficult as it seems; you must change your attitude and make the decisions to improve your life with courage. When you develop a new attitude of courage, living a life full of happiness becomes easy enough. And you can bring a change full of happiness in your life.
The Courage To Be Disliked Book Review
“The Courage to Be Disliked” is a transformative book that explores the teachings of Adlerian psychology through a compelling dialogue between a philosopher and a youth.
Written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, it challenges readers to embrace their true selves, letting go of the need for approval and societal validation. The book empowers individuals to take responsibility for their choices, cultivate meaningful relationships, and find happiness within.
Through its engaging narrative and profound insights, “The Courage to Be Disliked” encourages readers to break free from the shackles of past traumas and live authentically, fostering personal growth and self-acceptance. A must-read for anyone seeking fulfillment and liberation.
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Just learn how to live with dignity and joy despite being disliked by people.